Meditation: My attention is being pulled by a magnetic force into the deeper caverns of Awareness. I am about 10 years old, lying in bed crying yet again in deep despair. “I don’t understand. Why can’t we just love each other?” But, trying to understand doesn’t soothe the burning in my chest. And so, breathing into the pain, I uncover my secret, “I’ll just be good and one day I’ll be able to leave. “
“Be good” in my young mind means doing as I am told, not rocking the boat, not asking for anything and denying my experience and needs. As a result, the root of my panic has taken hold. I am deciding that leaving is the ideal, because it is the only way I can see my way out of the pain. Above all, In deciding to be “good”, I have left my true Self.
Continuing to drop deeper, I am sitting on the couch as a young teenager witnessing the anger and bitterness between my parents. I am frightened and feel alone in my witnessing. My 13 year old voice tries to assert my own power, “I’d rather leave than stay and hate someone.” It’s all I know as a way to escape the fear. But, here in meditation, I open into the pain and discover an unexpected and all-encompassing compassion holding my young self. Looking into my own eyes, I am ready for and want a higher wisdom.
In addition, I understand that whenever there is trouble in a relationship, or a problem I don’t know how to address, I unconsciously project an outcome where eventually I have to leave. Even the efforts to love more as an attempt to fix and solve the difficulties are only postponing what I have secretly decided is the inevitable crisis or catastrophe of separation. Eventually, panic escorts me out the door.
Certainly, there are times when leaving is (and was) appropriate, even necessary. And, there are times when I find another way. But, the ideal of leaving is now freed from its darkness. Now, it is no longer the inevitable outcome of what appears as confusing or unmanageable. More significantly, the root of the pain, the fear and the grief of leaving, is the perceived loss of love. Everything returns to Love.
This shift in perception from fear to Love uproots the illusion and a beautiful flow of relief accompanies tears that baptize fresh wisdom. I breathe and open wider, deeper. A ground of support rises up and invites me to remain still and savor this fresh and innocent understanding. I watch the mind’s tendency to minimize and overlook a sublime and delicate intimacy with Love. And, I stop the physical impulse to get up from my chair. A deep cleansing breath. In stillness, I hear a tender whisper, “Let’s stay Here.” I enter into Silence and listen in the release of sweet surrender.
I enter fully into What is here, always here, and can never be left. I merge into that “What” and know It as my very Self, pure love/awareness/spacious compassion, peace and more and more and more love. So much more, it is beyond the Beyond. Ever deepening, ever falling more and more deeply in Love.
With a gentle exhale, Love shows its constant support for Its Will to be free. Love supporting Itself to resolve Itself for Its own sake. Above all, a beautiful intimacy that overflows in bliss, a constant invitation whispering gently, “Let’s stay Here.” (Quite different from the mind that thinks, “I wish I could stay here.”) This beckoning of Love is all embracing.
I sit with soft eyes open, receiving the sounds of the rain. Silence.
Here is a poem, pointing to indescribable absorption in Love.
“The Lord’s Currency”
Oh Lord of lords
Upon your Ship which no one boards
Your silent whisper gently guides
Within, so clear where Peace abides.
Arriving, there’s no such thing
This Majesty where no one’s king.
I am Home
Of endless landscapes free to roam.
I know You hear this feeble prayer
For it is I that listen and I that care.
Silence, the currency of surrender
Of awe and wonder, let me be Your vendor.
by Anasuya Floan