What Can Never Be Left

“Heaven’s Kiss” NASA photo

Meditation:  My attention is being pulled by a magnetic force into the deeper caverns of Awareness.  I am about 10 years old, lying in bed crying yet again in deep despair.  “I don’t understand. Why can’t we just love each other?”  But, trying to understand doesn’t soothe the burning in my chest. And so, breathing into the pain, I uncover my secret, “I’ll just be good and one day I’ll be able to leave. “

“Be good” in my young mind means doing as I am told, not rocking the boat, not asking for anything and denying my experience and needs. As a result, the root of my panic has taken hold.  I am deciding that leaving is the ideal, because it is the only way I can see my way out of the pain. Above all, In deciding to be “good”, I have left my true Self.

Continuing to drop deeper, I am sitting on the couch as a young teenager witnessing the anger and bitterness between my parents.  I am frightened and feel alone in my witnessing.  My 13 year old voice tries to assert my own power, “I’d rather leave than stay and hate someone.”  It’s all I know as a way to escape the fear.  But, here in meditation, I open into the pain and discover an unexpected and all-encompassing compassion holding my young self. Looking into my own eyes, I am ready for and want a higher wisdom.

In addition, I understand that whenever there is trouble in a relationship, or a problem I don’t know how to address, I unconsciously project an outcome where eventually I have to leave.  Even the efforts to love more as an attempt to fix and solve the difficulties are only postponing what I have secretly decided is the inevitable crisis or catastrophe of separation.  Eventually, panic escorts me out the door.

Certainly, there are times when leaving is (and was) appropriate, even necessary.  And, there are times when I find another way. But, the ideal of leaving is now freed from its darkness. Now, it is no longer the inevitable outcome of what appears as confusing or unmanageable.  More significantly, the root of the pain, the fear and the grief of leaving, is the perceived loss of love.  Everything returns to Love.

This shift in perception from fear to Love uproots the illusion and a beautiful flow of relief accompanies tears that baptize fresh wisdom. I breathe and open wider, deeper. A ground of support rises up and invites me to remain still and savor this fresh and innocent understanding.  I watch the mind’s tendency to minimize and overlook a sublime and delicate intimacy with Love.  And, I stop the physical impulse to get up from my chair.  A deep cleansing breath. In stillness, I hear a tender whisper, “Let’s stay Here.”  I enter into Silence and listen in the release of sweet surrender.

I enter fully into What is here, always here, and can never be left.  I merge into that “What” and know It as my very Self, pure love/awareness/spacious compassion, peace and more and more and more love. So much more, it is beyond the Beyond.  Ever deepening, ever falling more and more deeply in Love.

With a gentle exhale, Love shows its constant support for Its Will to be free.  Love supporting Itself to resolve Itself for Its own sake.  Above all, a beautiful intimacy that overflows in bliss, a constant invitation whispering gently, “Let’s stay Here.” (Quite different from the mind that thinks, “I wish I could stay here.”)  This beckoning of Love is all embracing.

I sit with soft eyes open, receiving the sounds of the rain.  Silence.

Here is a poem, pointing to indescribable absorption in Love.

“The Lord’s Currency”

Oh Lord of lords

Upon your Ship which no one boards

Your silent whisper gently guides

Within, so clear where Peace abides.

Arriving, there’s no such thing

This Majesty where no one’s king.

I am Home

Of endless landscapes free to roam.

I know You hear this feeble prayer

For it is I that listen and I that care.

Silence, the currency of surrender

Of awe and wonder, let me be Your vendor.

by Anasuya Floan

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The Inevitable Meets the Incomprehensible

One night as I waited for sleep to overtake me, an unexpected and fierce blaze of fear rushed through my body. 

I chose to remain perfectly still and open to it. Wider,   wider,    ever    wider. 

Still.

I saw how terrified I was of being alone. 

The mind was running like a train out of control

                    headed for hell.

Instead of picking up a book or beginning a chant,

Something in me wanted to stop.  Was ready to stop.

Stop the countless efforts to avoid and postpone turning toward this fear.

So, I gave my attention to the mind in complete acceptance and said,

“It’s fine.  Let yourself run as fast and hard as you can.

Roam as far and wide as you need. 

But in your travels, take with you this one question, “Who am I?

And, when you return, let me know what you find.” 

Then, I let myself fully experience what seemed like

 endless feelings of loneliness. 

Just as unexpectedly as the fear had arisen,

a Pure joy like nothing I had ever experienced before

began to shine its light throughout every ounce and particle

of disbelief that I could ever be free. 

Another surprise!

I found myself opening into the Joy. 

And then something new happened, something incomprehensible.

The inevitable came to pass.

After a while, a thought appeared

and I recognized my old and tattered friend,

“Ahhh you have returned. What did you find?”

I was stunned as I watched my mind bow its head low with respect for me,

respect for its search to find the answer.

The mind spoke with tender reverence …

“I visited countless temples, mosques, and sacred places of every kind …

some built on holy ground, some nothing more than a mud hut.

I sat with great beings of many esteemed traditions,

spent thousands of hours meditating and chanting,

reading and studying sacred scriptures ancient and new,

and basking in the poetry of lovers of God.

I pierced the mysteries of numerous religions

while gathering beliefs and concepts that soothed me

         when I was weary and afraid.”

Then, together we reviewed the life we had lived,

turning over one by one the stones of everything I believed to be true and the concepts I had held so dear.   

Then, in humble repose, the mind continued.

“In all my travels, the One I found

over and over again  …

                 was You.

You were always there …  always with me. How obvious!  So simple!

My glimpses of Truth were glimpses of You.

So, I have come to offer you my answer.  Who Am I? …

I am You.”

Then, I and the mind, spiraling in flames of pure Love became One,

Love’s fire leaving nothing to cling to. 

Then, this “I”   

           dissolved  

                             into indescribable

                         Silence.

Silent Retreat May 24 – 27, 2019 ~ Santa Sabina Center, San Rafael, CA

Register today!  As of 11/7/18, 1 room remaining.  For more details, click HERE.

 

by Anasuya Floan

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